


Ultimately (I Don’t Understand A Thing)

by mmaheswaran (orphan_account)



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Post-Episode: s06e19 I Am My Monster, a bit of emotional numbness, this fic is lowkey me projecting onto steven, this is set like.. two days before he leaves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:54:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23694214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/mmaheswaran
Summary: "I'm fine! Really."It doesn’t exactly bother him that sometimes he has to look down and check if his feet are still planted on the ground, or that he isn’t feeling as sad as he expected to be. (He finds that he doesn’t feel much about anything at all.)
Relationships: Amethyst & Steven Universe, Greg Universe & Steven Universe
Comments: 9
Kudos: 49





	Ultimately (I Don’t Understand A Thing)

Ultimately, Steven knows very little. 

(Although, there are a few things he is sure of. He knows that Pearl likes tea, even if it _is_ more for the process of making it than the drink itself. He knows that the Big Donut opens late on Sundays and closes early on Fridays. He knows that just outside of Beach City, there is a spot by a cliff with the prettiest view overlooking Rehoboth Bay. He knows his dad spends a lot of time there.)

-

He spends most of his last week in town running errands, and finds it weirdly reminiscent of working at Little Homeschool: all organized chaos and sticking to a schedule, where even every hello and goodbye is planned and timed. 

"I'm fine! Really."

It doesn’t exactly bother him that sometimes he has to look down and check if his feet are still planted on the ground, or that he isn’t feeling as sad as he expected to be. (He finds that he doesn’t feel much about anything at all.)

Amethyst raises a brow. "Then why have you been sitting there for the past five minutes staring at nothing?" 

He only taps his fingers on the table in response. 

"Hey. What's going on?"

"I don't know. I've been zoning out a lot. I think I'm just tired."

Her face twists into an expression of worry. "You _look_ tired. We haven't seen you, like, at all this week. Is something going on?"

"No!" He yelps, sounding a little more suspect than he intended. "No, nothing's going on. I'm just worried about some stuff. That's all." 

"What stuff?" 

"I don't know. Future stuff?"

She fidgets strangely in the seat across him. “Do you want to talk about it?"

He considers it for a moment. "Yeah," he says, with a trace of guilt in his voice. "I think I'm gonna call Dad for this one, though. Sorry. "

"Don't worry about it, Bud." She reaches over and ruffles his hair, brows still drawn together with doubt. "Just… you gotta talk to us, okay?"

"Yeah. Okay."

-

The air is crisp on his face when he gets out of the Dondai and starts the short jog up the clifftop. 

Before he spots Greg or the van, it's the soft strumming of a guitar that first reaches him. It's a sweet melody that makes everything still, like even the trees are holding their breath to listen.

“Schtooball! What brings you here?” 

“Hey, Dad." He raises a hand in greeting. "I actually tried calling you a couple times, but I guess your phone was dead.”

“Sorry about that," Greg says, sounding embarrassed, and pats the space beside him invitingly. He's still holding the guitar in his lap. "It’s charging in the front seat. What’s up?”

Steven sits down and tries to make himself more comfortable, letting the words roll around in his mouth.

“I keep thinking that I’m supposed to be like, really sad and nostalgic right now," he admits, "Or scared about the future. But I’m not.”

“Well, how do you feel?”

Everything stills again, this time more in anticipation, and a slight breeze passes.

“Huh?”

“Looks like you’re focusing a lot on how you think you should be feeling, but how do you actually feel?”

Oh. "I’m fine. I’ve just been, like, a little out of it lately. Sometimes it feels like my brain is lagging, or something.”

“Have you talked to Dr. Perez about this?”

“My next appointment is by the time I’m already on the road," he explains, massaging the back of his neck. "This doesn’t feel like an emergency or anything. I really _am_ fine. It’s just weird." 

He chuckles at himself, a little frustrated. "I don’t know," he mutters. "All I know is that I don’t know.”

“Well, that’s part of the fun, isn’t it?" Greg muses, smiling, but Steven knows it's not to mock him. "I don’t think any of us really know what’s going on. We’re all just trying our best.”

He breathes in, then says, “When I first moved out of my parents’ house, I was relieved, you know? I spent so long feeling trapped there."

"For the first time in my life, I was actually free! I could finally do what I wanted. But after a while, thinking about it just made me feel bad. I kept trying to justify why I didn’t feel sad about leaving. I wondered if I was a bad person for being that way.”

Greg turns to him, and there's a gentle knowing in the way he tells him, “Look, kiddo. It’s okay if you don’t feel sad about leaving. It’s okay that you don’t know how to feel about the future. There’s no proper way to feel things." He puts a hand on Steven's shoulder and pulls him closer. "You just gotta take it easy for a while. And I’m sure the Gems wouldn’t mind if you stuck around for a few more days.”

"Ugh," Steven groans, but the corners of his mouth are turned up in a small smile. "That reminds me- I still haven’t told them.”

Greg laughs, understanding. “Good luck with that.”

-

Ultimately, Steven knows very little. 

(Although, there are a few things he is sure of. He knows that both good and bad days will come and go. That on some he will wonder if he will ever be okay, and on others he will take one look at the world and be sure of it. He knows that there are people he loves, and there are those who love him just as much back. He knows that he has so much to look forward to, and for now, simply knowing that is enough.)

-

The next time, there’s only the rustling of leaves in the wind that greets him. 

When he reaches the edge of the cliff the second time that week, he can only try his best to take in the view and lock the moment away somewhere in his brain to look back on. It’s one of those rare, perfect days, when people wake up a little later than usual and spend a bit more time making breakfast, when he would get up and climb the hill to watch the sunrise. Even from there he can almost hear the waves meet the beach, and feel the sand sneak up between his toes. 

He digs out the phone from his pocket, takes a picture, and drives away.

-

He watches Beach City become a speck in the rearview mirror. 

Later that day, Pearl sends him a picture of everyone smiling teary-eyed at the camera, and underneath it a message says: “Miss you already! We love you so much, Steven. Remember to call!”

He knows very little about what the future holds. He thinks he is okay with that.


End file.
